9.22.26

first diary page?

Today I decided to go for a walk with a friend of mine. I’m not exactly a social person, and lately I’ve been thinking that a lot of my past acquaintances or friends never really got who I am as a person. I’d describe myself as someone who attaches quickly but loses interest just as fast? The first few weeks of getting to know someone are always the most interesting you hear new perspectives, learn something new about the person, share stuff about yourself, and you actually want to keep talking to them. But then comes the phase where you start losing interest, you’ve learned enough about them, you start picking up on their way of talking and communicating, you get how they think in certain situations, and it starts getting old.

The worst feeling is when someone gets attached to you but you don’t get attached back. In a way, I get that the easiest thing for me is to keep in touch with someone without actually hanging out with them, simply because there’s no interest there. But naturally, the other person starts feeling down that you barely talk, and they start holding a quiet grudge or resentment toward you, like it’s somehow your fault that you’re not giving them enough time.

Why am I bringing this up? To some extent, this friend is the exception, because I can actually tolerate spending time together (within reason, of course, more than once a week is too much for me). I guess he’s the “exception” because he gets my not social nature, since I think it’s on me for not giving people a heads-up about it beforehand. But what am I even supposed to say “sorry, I’ll probably get sick of you in a week”? Obviously not, that sounds way too harsh.

I think what I’m getting at is that with every year, I care less and less about social connections. I’ve probably gotten what I wanted, I have family, I have a girlfriend I can talk to, and the whole idea of regularly keeping in touch with people outside my close circle just stops making sense.